Decisional Crossroads

Had my Management Accounting this morning. What a breeze! Its really cool when one of your classmate's father owns an SME which allows you to have full access to the company's board accounting statements. Even Prof Sam was really surprised that we found the full set of data so easily even when other's are struggling to even get a company to let them do their Critical Success Factors and Key Performance Indicators. Kudos to Andy! You're the man! All he needed to do was to call his dad's Jakarta based company and the controller sent all the information the team needed. Spent the rest of the meeting evaluating about presentation before heading for lunch.

Call me traitor, but I'm seriously hesitating whether I should perform with my band tonight for one of the Soka meeting. On one hand, I know that I'm deeply indebted to the band for all that its done for me, for all the wonderful friends that I've made, and yada yada.... Yet, on the other, I'm really contending about self-esteem and confidence issues. After all we've played the same songs at the same place, for most of the same crowd. What's there to look forward to? Won't it create more value if I went home to do my own practice or stay in school to revise my own work? We talk about value creation and true enough, a simple cost-benefit analysis has revealed an uncontroversial answer that not performing would create more value. Sorry guys, but I really hate and fear being presented with snide remarks about playing the same and shitily simple score. Two years of confidence erosion exercise has left me with zero musical confidence. Consider, consider, Justin, you only have that few more hours. Make the decision and don't look back.

A good night's sleep in weeks

Rather amazingly, I was able to get full, uninterrupted sleep for the first time in many weeks last night when I was doing my duty at the Soka HQ. For the first time in many weeks, I did not wake up in the middle of the night due to nightmares or some other unforeseen circumstances. I really hope this will be a more permanent thing, for without sleep, I can't function properly as a human being.

Felt better this morning after sleeping for a while and spending some time on my prayers. First time since I prayed decently at home for weeks. Read a couple of guidances before sending the evaluation of my facilitators for Dominoes of Dreams to Belinda. She's been bugging me for a week for it. Couldn't be bothered originally. Call me selfish, but I thought I had better things to do.

Hopefully the vicissitudes of my worries will not cause me to oscillate between heaven and hell. Give me my confidence to dare to think of winning!!!!

Slowly regaining myself

I'm not sure why, but it always happens to me. In a sense that my first test of the term is always not up to my expectations. Got back my Management Accounting test a few moments ago, and was kinda disappointed that I made some careless errors here and there. Seriously, the test was really easy and I would have gotten full marks had I not made that couple of stupid mistakes in my equations. Damm! Marks wasted! Sure this quiz is just 10% of my final grade, but hey, its still marks lost. Yet, quite consoled that the difference in marks isn't too grade as compared to Maths for Econs last term or even Psyc the previous, thus, still haven't really affected my chances of getting my As..

Time to buck up and go into full swing for my three mid terms coming up two weeks from now. Must really do well for all my majors this time.

Stumbled upon my favorite quote of all time. I think this best describes me, especially since I'm always threading in grounds where I'm at a disadvantage, having to fight uphill battles each time.

"When your determination changes, everything else will begin to move in the direction you desire. The moment you resolve to be victorious, every nerve and fibre in your being will immediately orient itself toward your success. On the other hand, if you think "This is never going to work out", then at that instant, every cell in your being will be deflated and give up the fight, and then everything really will move in the direction of failure."

Can anyone REALLY cook??

“Anyone can cook!” Resounding with familiar sonority from Pixar’s Ratatouille is Gustea’s convention-defying proclamation that anyone can cook as well as him.

This quote’s consistent repetition reflects a deeper significance than what others might consider as being part of a simple story in animation, where a rat finally fulfills his age old ambition of becoming a cook.

Far from that, it celebrates the belief of the human spirit of being able to triumph over seemingly insurmountable obstacles despite their overwhelming odds.

Think about it, when Magellan chose to prove to mankind that the world is round and not flat like what his contemporaries thought, wasn’t he too facing a seemingly insurmountable challenge. With the conventional intellect being pitted against him, wasn’t he too like Remy the rat whom no one in their wildest imagination ever thought could become such a fantastic chef?

With even greater resemblance to the overwhelming physical odds that Remy faced is the case of Beethoven. Sure all of us know the fact that Beethoven was one of the greatest musicians and composers in history, leaving for us many beautiful and captivating pieces of music. Yet, how many of us know that Beethoven is actually deaf? As a maestro of music, how could he have ever written the wonderful pieces that we know today when he cannot even hear what was he playing? Inability to hear the tones, pitches and rhythms of music must have made it almost impossible for him to understand such technicalities, must less compose music.

What’s the fuel behind Magellan, Beethoven and Remy the rat’s ability to achieve success at the end of the day?

Courage and determination. Something I feel to be sorely lacking lately.

When was the last time you ever told yourself with confidence that you are going to triumph over the challenges you face in life. For me, that was eons ago and in fact, upon clear reflection of my own messy life lately, it seemed that the demise had arrived for what people once looked upon as the courageous, confident, Justin. Yes, the title of “fighter in life” which many a fellow young man in the Singapore Soka Association had showered upon me had seemed to have become a part of history.

Lacking confidence in me lately, whining and haggling over odds that seemed against me have instead taken control of my own life. Pair that together with the deterioration in health with constant panic attacks and headaches and you get the tormented soul of a young man who seems unable to find his own feet in the world, choosing instead to wallow in the depths of decrepitude and despair.

What is happening to me? Why am I unable to summon that courage, determination and confidence in my own life to face up to the challenges that I am currently facing? Why am I constantly plagued by my own negativity and chained within the fetters of my own limitations? Why can’t I break free of all these to truly challenge and become what I aspire to be? Why am I facing life with lethargy and weariness? More importantly of all, why am I living my life with such a drag, losing sleep at night, finding little enthusiasm and savoring only the moment when I go to bed, where I do not need to be conscious of the world around me?

My road in life has, since its beginning, been riddled with challenges and obstacles. Perhaps, more than what others might have to go through. In fact, in recent years, since the turn of the millennium, I have been fighting uphill battles day in and day out, putting myself against situations that do not seem to be in my favor in the first place. I always seem to be at a disadvantage in all these situations.

Yet, I defeated all of them and emerged victorious.

Not just one or two instances, but a total of ten instances from my recollections have I fought and won. Each time, though I was feeling nervous about the outcome as I always were, I managed to face each successive hurdle with confidence and poise, at times cheerful, though at times stressful.

So where has my cheerfulness and confidence evaporated too? Why am I so full of doubts of myself lately, feeling that I’m not able to win in what I do even after putting in so much effort?

Academically, I’m being challenged by the toughest modules in my entire Economics Degree pro gramme—Applied Econometrics. Described as “SHIT MODULE” by my good friend Yuhui in our conversation today, this subject rings a tinge of fear down every student of Economics who isn’t exactly proficient with mathematics and statistics. For me, I hated maths and used to be terrible at it. Not taking the subject at my “A” Levels isn’t exactly an advantage either. Rather, I’m really feeling at a disadvantage. And it is horrors to horrors that my other modules such as Finance, Management Accounting and Intermediate Microeconomics aren’t exactly easy as well. In fact they are tough. Gone are the days of talk-cock-sing-song-carry-prof’s balls and score subjects. Now we need hard facts, solid knowledge. How am I going to push my GPA up. I’m now at a 3.3 and I really need an average of 3.4 to get my honors when I graduate. Thus, I really need a 3.5 this term to push my grades up.

My momentous decision to join the Soka New Century Orchestra might have been a thunderbolt out of the blue for many who know me in the Soka family. With an audition coming soon and lacking the experience of coming from a school band, I seriously feel handicapped musically. Sure I may be a senior in the brass band, but ultimately, my band does not train as much as secondary school bands, thus, putting me in a disadvantage too. I have a phobia of rejection, and to me, rejection is an utterly humiliating experience, thus, success is the only option. It’s not how hard you try, but whether you win that matters. I may be putting in a lot of hard work, but such efforts are intangible. No one’s going to see it. No one’s going to pass you for a test when you perform badly but put in a lot of effort. So what if I spent 10 hours a week and at times playing till blood oozes from my lips and even yesterday, throat? Despite practicing, I still feel pretty stressed up about it. So what if I can play my scales, so what if I can play “There You’ll Be”? My tempo is bad, I can’t play on a steady tempo without a conductor and my sight reading is atrocious.

No confidence in anything. I have lost all confidence as a musician and my confidence to perform in my studies is evaporating too as a result. I work hard, I fight hard, but I lack courage to think that I will win.

Could I ever be like Remy the rat who manages to overcome all odds to ultimately savor my own dream? Why can’t I seem to convince myself with Gustea’s can-do attitude; A dash and dare spirit which I possessed in the past?

I guess the enemy here is myself. My own perception is what has created that iron curtain between me and my dreams and preventing me from having greater confidence in my own abilities.

Problem is I do not know how to tear down this curtain.

Our Song

I guess for many couples, there is a song out there that best describes their relationship. Something that serves as a perfect metaphor and a representation of the experiences they have went through together. For myself, I've always been on the look out for such a song that describes my relationship with my dearest Chuiling A.K.A Hamster. Guess she's found it much faster than me......haha.......not the least disappointed but happy that my search for such a song has come to an end.

This is the song that she's found and I really hope that it'll be our special song for the rest of our lifetime.

Firehouse - Love of A Lifetime 

I guess the time was right for us to say
We'd take our time and live our lives
Together day by day

We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer
We know our dreams will all come true
With love that we can share

With you I never wonder--will you be there for me
With you I never wonder--you're the right one for me

I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart
I finally found the love of a lifetime

With every kiss, our love is like brand-new

And every star up in the sky
Was made for me and you
Still we both know that the road is long
We know that we will be together
Because our love is strong

I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through

I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart
I finally found the love of a lifetime