kaleidoscopic recollections of the transient

Latest Updates

2008-03-27T10:18:00.002+08:00

Ok, its been more than a week since I updated my blog, thus I think its time to put on some stuff despite like I'm so damn busy with school work and stuff.

Anyway, I finally bought my new bag. Wooohoooo!!!!!! The Crumpler Whickey and Cox is finally mine at last. Have been eyeing the bag for quite some time until I finally bought it like on tues to replace my school bag which has been badly abused by me all this while. cost me 285 bucks, but well I guess its worth it considering the quality and functionality. Haven't really had such a satisfying purchase for quite some time. I think the last one is when I bought my Nintendo DS Lite last dec.

School work still comes aplenty. I still have got like 5 more readings and one more major report to go before I can finally take time to study for my exams which are like in another three more weeks time. Hope I can finish my Finance 102 project soon. That report is really tough to do man....and I think I'm only half there. hahhaha....slack too much le, time to chiong. But at least I have completed my share for the other two reports thus not really much to worry about as before. Now what I hope for is to complete studying for my exams and finish the term in one piece.

Having a really bad flu now. Woke up this morning with flu and sore throat, thus overslept. Parents quarreled too. Shouting like hell. Nothing new, can't really be bothered. Its been like this since the day when I was born. And it must always be over money. I really can't understand why. I think I must really make loads of money next time so that such a situation won't repeat itself again when I get married. People always say money can't solve everything, but fact is without money there is only nothing. Think about your bills and loans piling onto your head each month. If you suddenly can laid off or enter into a not so well paid job, then how? Will you be happy when the bank repossesses your home, car etc and you just sit there and smile? I don't think so. People can say that they can be happy without money, but thing is that those who say it have never gone through such ordeals. Ironic ain't it. Luckily I know how to budget, thus never had money problems even though my allowance isn't really a lot to begin with.

Ok, gotta go rush my work. Otherwise can't submit later.

March 16

2008-03-16T12:44:00.002+08:00

Its strange how much a year's difference makes. On this day last year, I felt so inspired, yet one year later today, I'm having mixed feelings.

Sometimes I really wish to turn time over again where I was always brimming with pure faith, ready to shine light into the lives of others. Not that today I do not want to let the people around me feel happy, I am still doing that, but I just can't really let myself be as happy in my religious faith as before. After all that has happened, its just quite impossible to pretend that nothings happen. Fact is many things has.

If I have a wish, I would wish to turn time back and avoid whatever that has happened. I know its impossible. Given the situation now, all I'm looking forward is to graduate soon from SMU and work abroad. I will then be able to start afresh in the Soka organization there. Soka Buddhism is my faith and life blood and there's no way I will ever give it up. Its just that sometimes, stabs in the heart can't be healed just like that. Its not all so simple. If not, why are we always told to think before we speak or do things. We can apologize, things might change, but when we don't, the person affected will always be affected.

I want to start my religious faith over again. I know its not complete at present with me not attending big meetings and learning. I know its not good for me, but I too have emotions. Who can understand?

I'm giving myself three years. I'll try my best to get posted abroad, move my parents abroad, settle down with Chuiling there and start afresh in faith. Its good to leave some emotional baggage down sometimes. Target: New York. It'll be good for my financial career as well as dear's fashion career. And I can start afresh in faith in SGI-USA like what I used to do in the past. Leave all bad memories behind me. I have never made use of Soka, and I will never accept such baseless criticism against me.

I just hope to be active once again before my mentor in life passes away. Sensei, please wait for me. My faith might have hit the pits now, but your position as my mentor will never change.

First Post of the Year

2008-03-16T01:12:00.002+08:00

Its quite strange but this is actually my first post of the year despite the fact that three months have past since the new year.

My eyes are now blurred and mired with numbers and facts, yet my brain seems somewhat refreshed. Somehow five months has passed since my last post on this blog, which to many may seem a pretty long time indeed. Well, I'm not exactly a person who tends to update my blog daily unless I really have deep felt thoughts within me.

Just finished part of my grueling Financial Instruments, Institutions and Markets a.k.a Fnce 102 report. Basically this report puts you through the role of an investment analyst whereby you have to research on a particular Singapore stock exchange listed company and provide recommendations whether to buy, sell or hold the stock. May sound easy, but I'm like at page 22 and still not even half done. Haha......plus the fact that submission is like two and a half weeks from now and it doesn't help that I've got 3 reports to submit and 4 exams to fight before I end this term and proceed to Year 3 (YAY!!!!)

Seriously, I'm not complaining. Though working on projects is tough, its enjoyable as it is when you truly learn how to work and not just memorize theory. Its quite strange, but I actually like practical more than theory despite being a typical JC boy. I think working life is all about doing and not knowing. If you know but do not know how to use, then you are pretty much handicapped I suppose. Despite the fact that the company that I'm doing on, Food Empire is not a share which I'm particularly interested in, I believe it will give me the experience in future when I do research on stocks which I want to buy. Believe it or not, its super tiring to go through tonnes and tonnes of analyst reports and stuff, but its just so enjoyable and interesting to see how companies earn their buck.

Since young, I have always been interested in the stock market. It just never fails to fascinate me that how numbers changing on the teletext can affect people so much. When I was in primary 2, I could always remember helping my mum monitor her stocks on our 15 year old Sony tv as she was doing her part time work at office or doing housework at home. "Buy", "sell", "last done" and "volume" became my best friends as I would update her on the prices. Times were good then and share prices just surged. It made my mum rich. Of course, being fascinated, I did my first trade at yes, P2 too. Haha....convinced that I had observed a certain trend pattern I asked my mum to trade on my behalf through her account my savings on a particular stock. I still remember its name: DBS Land Preference Share. Of course I profited from that foray. A cool $800 out of a $2000 that I invested. Bad times came in 1998 with Asian Financial Crisis. Mum's investments were busted and some of her capital was stuck to this day. I think she lost something like $15 to $20k on assorted stocks.

Fast forward to today. I'm 23, have my own trading account and am still fascinated by stocks. This is something that I love despite the risk, its where I call home.Weird it seems, but Wall St, Dow Jones and SGX all seem to arouse my interest more than anything else. I've traded again and have earned some profit, even though the sub prime problem has resulted in me at present being stuck in a few trades that I'm waiting to get out. I know people love to say that people who trade stocks aren't realistic, they ae greedy and so on. But to me, its not that, its a passion, an art. You don't just enter the market thinking that it is a casino. Neither do you not respect it like some clowns in SMU and call it your "playground". The market is neither. I yearn to make it big in stocks, to be like Mr Warren Buffet. I have made some profits though, but I think I still ain't good enough. I need to improve. While some people think that being a stock trader is all that glamorous with the profits you earn, I personally find it not my cup of tea. True, I love money, but who doesn't? Being better in stocks than my peers does not make me feel like all great and up above when people in school keep asking you what do you think will happen to the market. I know some people do, but I don't. Rather I only wish to excel in stocks for three reasons:

1. Its my passion/interest
2. Earn money and achieve financial freedom soon
3. To earn a lot so I can donate to charity next time

Truly, whenever I walk past SMU's Li Ka Shing Library, I will always start thinking of the man who dropped out of high school, did his business well, and contributed back to society by plonking a spanking solid library in town. We live and will finally die. Do we want to leave the world leaving nothing for others, or do we want to leave the world leaving wonderful stuff for others? I choose the latter, thus, I must fulfill this dream. Not that I do not believe in working for world peace like what my mentor Daisaku Ikeda believes. Its just that we have different perspectives and I feel that world peace is not something that I will get to see when I finally leave the world. Thus, the thought to leave something different to benefit all man.

I've just applied my internship today with Reuters. Applying one more with Octagon Advisors next week. My previous applications all bounced. Not too good enough (myself). I must really find the door to banking and investments. I need someone expert to really learn from and strengthen all my fundamentals and develop a solid world class mental framework which makes Warren Buffet Warren Buffet. Even if I work for free for such a person, I really do not mind if I can learn and improve. What matters most is the end of the road.

I'll put such thoughts behind me for now. My brain is now clouded with shit like ROE, Debt-Equity ratio, financial leverage, derivative instruments and spot forex transactions. I am going to sleep before I freaking conk out. Damm dead tired. Its 1.42 am, time to hit the sack.

Corrine May: Journey

2007-10-20T14:53:00.000+08:00

It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter
I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through

Cause it's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
Cause it's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you
To you

The journey is long, confusing and tiring. When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes, its really sad how things in life can become. Something that you have never expected in your entire life. Yet, happened has it. Each erratic viewpoint, each misconception that others have about you only leaves you to ponder, is it really true that I have done all these? Why must whatever we do be viewed upon by others negatively and with so much suspicion? I know we must always reflect, but what happens when we reflect hard and its indeed true that we ave never said or done things that others claimed you have done? Its demoralizing, heart breaking and only serves to drive you away from what is good to our alter ego. Each day Jekyll wanes, Hyde strengthens. When can truth prevail and when would it be when the mask of pretensions and misconceptions be removed?

Decisional Crossroads

2007-09-22T14:13:00.001+08:00

Had my Management Accounting this morning. What a breeze! Its really cool when one of your classmate's father owns an SME which allows you to have full access to the company's board accounting statements. Even Prof Sam was really surprised that we found the full set of data so easily even when other's are struggling to even get a company to let them do their Critical Success Factors and Key Performance Indicators. Kudos to Andy! You're the man! All he needed to do was to call his dad's Jakarta based company and the controller sent all the information the team needed. Spent the rest of the meeting evaluating about presentation before heading for lunch.

Call me traitor, but I'm seriously hesitating whether I should perform with my band tonight for one of the Soka meeting. On one hand, I know that I'm deeply indebted to the band for all that its done for me, for all the wonderful friends that I've made, and yada yada.... Yet, on the other, I'm really contending about self-esteem and confidence issues. After all we've played the same songs at the same place, for most of the same crowd. What's there to look forward to? Won't it create more value if I went home to do my own practice or stay in school to revise my own work? We talk about value creation and true enough, a simple cost-benefit analysis has revealed an uncontroversial answer that not performing would create more value. Sorry guys, but I really hate and fear being presented with snide remarks about playing the same and shitily simple score. Two years of confidence erosion exercise has left me with zero musical confidence. Consider, consider, Justin, you only have that few more hours. Make the decision and don't look back.

A good night's sleep in weeks

2007-09-20T10:58:00.000+08:00

Rather amazingly, I was able to get full, uninterrupted sleep for the first time in many weeks last night when I was doing my duty at the Soka HQ. For the first time in many weeks, I did not wake up in the middle of the night due to nightmares or some other unforeseen circumstances. I really hope this will be a more permanent thing, for without sleep, I can't function properly as a human being.

Felt better this morning after sleeping for a while and spending some time on my prayers. First time since I prayed decently at home for weeks. Read a couple of guidances before sending the evaluation of my facilitators for Dominoes of Dreams to Belinda. She's been bugging me for a week for it. Couldn't be bothered originally. Call me selfish, but I thought I had better things to do.

Hopefully the vicissitudes of my worries will not cause me to oscillate between heaven and hell. Give me my confidence to dare to think of winning!!!!

Slowly regaining myself

2007-09-17T10:09:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure why, but it always happens to me. In a sense that my first test of the term is always not up to my expectations. Got back my Management Accounting test a few moments ago, and was kinda disappointed that I made some careless errors here and there. Seriously, the test was really easy and I would have gotten full marks had I not made that couple of stupid mistakes in my equations. Damm! Marks wasted! Sure this quiz is just 10% of my final grade, but hey, its still marks lost. Yet, quite consoled that the difference in marks isn't too grade as compared to Maths for Econs last term or even Psyc the previous, thus, still haven't really affected my chances of getting my As..

Time to buck up and go into full swing for my three mid terms coming up two weeks from now. Must really do well for all my majors this time.

Stumbled upon my favorite quote of all time. I think this best describes me, especially since I'm always threading in grounds where I'm at a disadvantage, having to fight uphill battles each time.

"When your determination changes, everything else will begin to move in the direction you desire. The moment you resolve to be victorious, every nerve and fibre in your being will immediately orient itself toward your success. On the other hand, if you think "This is never going to work out", then at that instant, every cell in your being will be deflated and give up the fight, and then everything really will move in the direction of failure."

Can anyone REALLY cook??

2007-09-12T10:14:00.000+08:00

“Anyone can cook!” Resounding with familiar sonority from Pixar’s Ratatouille is Gustea’s convention-defying proclamation that anyone can cook as well as him.

This quote’s consistent repetition reflects a deeper significance than what others might consider as being part of a simple story in animation, where a rat finally fulfills his age old ambition of becoming a cook.

Far from that, it celebrates the belief of the human spirit of being able to triumph over seemingly insurmountable obstacles despite their overwhelming odds.

Think about it, when Magellan chose to prove to mankind that the world is round and not flat like what his contemporaries thought, wasn’t he too facing a seemingly insurmountable challenge. With the conventional intellect being pitted against him, wasn’t he too like Remy the rat whom no one in their wildest imagination ever thought could become such a fantastic chef?

With even greater resemblance to the overwhelming physical odds that Remy faced is the case of Beethoven. Sure all of us know the fact that Beethoven was one of the greatest musicians and composers in history, leaving for us many beautiful and captivating pieces of music. Yet, how many of us know that Beethoven is actually deaf? As a maestro of music, how could he have ever written the wonderful pieces that we know today when he cannot even hear what was he playing? Inability to hear the tones, pitches and rhythms of music must have made it almost impossible for him to understand such technicalities, must less compose music.

What’s the fuel behind Magellan, Beethoven and Remy the rat’s ability to achieve success at the end of the day?

Courage and determination. Something I feel to be sorely lacking lately.

When was the last time you ever told yourself with confidence that you are going to triumph over the challenges you face in life. For me, that was eons ago and in fact, upon clear reflection of my own messy life lately, it seemed that the demise had arrived for what people once looked upon as the courageous, confident, Justin. Yes, the title of “fighter in life” which many a fellow young man in the Singapore Soka Association had showered upon me had seemed to have become a part of history.

Lacking confidence in me lately, whining and haggling over odds that seemed against me have instead taken control of my own life. Pair that together with the deterioration in health with constant panic attacks and headaches and you get the tormented soul of a young man who seems unable to find his own feet in the world, choosing instead to wallow in the depths of decrepitude and despair.

What is happening to me? Why am I unable to summon that courage, determination and confidence in my own life to face up to the challenges that I am currently facing? Why am I constantly plagued by my own negativity and chained within the fetters of my own limitations? Why can’t I break free of all these to truly challenge and become what I aspire to be? Why am I facing life with lethargy and weariness? More importantly of all, why am I living my life with such a drag, losing sleep at night, finding little enthusiasm and savoring only the moment when I go to bed, where I do not need to be conscious of the world around me?

My road in life has, since its beginning, been riddled with challenges and obstacles. Perhaps, more than what others might have to go through. In fact, in recent years, since the turn of the millennium, I have been fighting uphill battles day in and day out, putting myself against situations that do not seem to be in my favor in the first place. I always seem to be at a disadvantage in all these situations.

Yet, I defeated all of them and emerged victorious.

Not just one or two instances, but a total of ten instances from my recollections have I fought and won. Each time, though I was feeling nervous about the outcome as I always were, I managed to face each successive hurdle with confidence and poise, at times cheerful, though at times stressful.

So where has my cheerfulness and confidence evaporated too? Why am I so full of doubts of myself lately, feeling that I’m not able to win in what I do even after putting in so much effort?

Academically, I’m being challenged by the toughest modules in my entire Economics Degree pro gramme—Applied Econometrics. Described as “SHIT MODULE” by my good friend Yuhui in our conversation today, this subject rings a tinge of fear down every student of Economics who isn’t exactly proficient with mathematics and statistics. For me, I hated maths and used to be terrible at it. Not taking the subject at my “A” Levels isn’t exactly an advantage either. Rather, I’m really feeling at a disadvantage. And it is horrors to horrors that my other modules such as Finance, Management Accounting and Intermediate Microeconomics aren’t exactly easy as well. In fact they are tough. Gone are the days of talk-cock-sing-song-carry-prof’s balls and score subjects. Now we need hard facts, solid knowledge. How am I going to push my GPA up. I’m now at a 3.3 and I really need an average of 3.4 to get my honors when I graduate. Thus, I really need a 3.5 this term to push my grades up.

My momentous decision to join the Soka New Century Orchestra might have been a thunderbolt out of the blue for many who know me in the Soka family. With an audition coming soon and lacking the experience of coming from a school band, I seriously feel handicapped musically. Sure I may be a senior in the brass band, but ultimately, my band does not train as much as secondary school bands, thus, putting me in a disadvantage too. I have a phobia of rejection, and to me, rejection is an utterly humiliating experience, thus, success is the only option. It’s not how hard you try, but whether you win that matters. I may be putting in a lot of hard work, but such efforts are intangible. No one’s going to see it. No one’s going to pass you for a test when you perform badly but put in a lot of effort. So what if I spent 10 hours a week and at times playing till blood oozes from my lips and even yesterday, throat? Despite practicing, I still feel pretty stressed up about it. So what if I can play my scales, so what if I can play “There You’ll Be”? My tempo is bad, I can’t play on a steady tempo without a conductor and my sight reading is atrocious.

No confidence in anything. I have lost all confidence as a musician and my confidence to perform in my studies is evaporating too as a result. I work hard, I fight hard, but I lack courage to think that I will win.

Could I ever be like Remy the rat who manages to overcome all odds to ultimately savor my own dream? Why can’t I seem to convince myself with Gustea’s can-do attitude; A dash and dare spirit which I possessed in the past?

I guess the enemy here is myself. My own perception is what has created that iron curtain between me and my dreams and preventing me from having greater confidence in my own abilities.

Problem is I do not know how to tear down this curtain.

Our Song

2007-09-03T10:40:00.000+08:00

I guess for many couples, there is a song out there that best describes their relationship. Something that serves as a perfect metaphor and a representation of the experiences they have went through together. For myself, I've always been on the look out for such a song that describes my relationship with my dearest Chuiling A.K.A Hamster. Guess she's found it much faster than me......haha.......not the least disappointed but happy that my search for such a song has come to an end.

This is the song that she's found and I really hope that it'll be our special song for the rest of our lifetime.

Firehouse - Love of A Lifetime 

I guess the time was right for us to say
We'd take our time and live our lives
Together day by day

We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer
We know our dreams will all come true
With love that we can share

With you I never wonder--will you be there for me
With you I never wonder--you're the right one for me

I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through
I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart
I finally found the love of a lifetime

With every kiss, our love is like brand-new

And every star up in the sky
Was made for me and you
Still we both know that the road is long
We know that we will be together
Because our love is strong

I finally found the love of a lifetime
A love to last my whole life through

I finally found the love of a lifetime
Forever in my heart
I finally found the love of a lifetime

Setting up my blog

2007-08-31T14:58:00.000+08:00

After exiting the blog scene some three years ago, I've decided to re-create one to post my thoughts and happenings in life. Thought it'll be a refreshing perspective now that three years has past since my previous blog.