March 16

Its strange how much a year's difference makes. On this day last year, I felt so inspired, yet one year later today, I'm having mixed feelings.

Sometimes I really wish to turn time over again where I was always brimming with pure faith, ready to shine light into the lives of others. Not that today I do not want to let the people around me feel happy, I am still doing that, but I just can't really let myself be as happy in my religious faith as before. After all that has happened, its just quite impossible to pretend that nothings happen. Fact is many things has.

If I have a wish, I would wish to turn time back and avoid whatever that has happened. I know its impossible. Given the situation now, all I'm looking forward is to graduate soon from SMU and work abroad. I will then be able to start afresh in the Soka organization there. Soka Buddhism is my faith and life blood and there's no way I will ever give it up. Its just that sometimes, stabs in the heart can't be healed just like that. Its not all so simple. If not, why are we always told to think before we speak or do things. We can apologize, things might change, but when we don't, the person affected will always be affected.

I want to start my religious faith over again. I know its not complete at present with me not attending big meetings and learning. I know its not good for me, but I too have emotions. Who can understand?

I'm giving myself three years. I'll try my best to get posted abroad, move my parents abroad, settle down with Chuiling there and start afresh in faith. Its good to leave some emotional baggage down sometimes. Target: New York. It'll be good for my financial career as well as dear's fashion career. And I can start afresh in faith in SGI-USA like what I used to do in the past. Leave all bad memories behind me. I have never made use of Soka, and I will never accept such baseless criticism against me.

I just hope to be active once again before my mentor in life passes away. Sensei, please wait for me. My faith might have hit the pits now, but your position as my mentor will never change.